*Warning*-- Personal opinion and slightly girly stuff will be the topic of this post. Read at your own discretion.
*Warning disclaimer*-- Girly stuff... but not gross stuff. So it's safe to read if you choose too...
I'm pretty self-conscious. I dare say very self-conscious. It's like a situational disease, a product of being taught to self-evaluate from a young age and being ridiculously sensitive. Basically, I sometimes have the emotional stability of a teenager... like I said, it's situational.
Certain events, certain people and certain surroundings make me a lot more self-aware than others.
For instance, this weekend I am going to a wedding. Weddings already make me uncomfortable since I have never been to one where I knew most of the guests, except for my own (which made me uncomfortable in a whole different sort of way!). The guests I do know at this wedding are people who, not by their own doing, are "triggers" for my mini-self-pity-party. I don't really fit in with this group of people. They have always been athletic, fun and smart.
I'm instantly shy in this group of people and can't break out of my stupid little shell. I can't seem to think as quickly and I suddenly can't think of a single "cool" thing about myself. So, I get through the time with them, painfully aware of every awkward thing I say. My clothes don't seem to fit right... I somehow magically balloon to a bigger size, my glasses become extra dorky and every single stereotypical "geek" thing about me is magnified. I sink in behind Jim, keep as quiet as possible and react in the same way my mom does in these situations-- offer my help a lot or make excuses to go to the kitchen (I don't know how many times I've done dishes at other peoples houses because it was easier than being sociable!).
Weddings aren't the only place this happens-- youth group used to be a big one (actually, that's why I went every single week... I was determined to get over being freaked out), school in general was a big one, parties in general, any time attention is drawn to me unless there is an instrument in my mouth. My mom's side of the family, reading an unfavorable number on the scale, having one of those "hair days", breaking things at work (which I do way more than should be acceptable!) and times when I am put in an authority position have a similar effect of shrinking my spirit.
I know this is really ridiculous. Logically, I know that being so focused on myself in these situations is not only destructive in it's negativity, but pretty darned selfish, too. I mean, instead of creating relationships with these people I fuss with my hair and avoid eye contact. And I know that by doing this, I become the awkward person I fear I am instead of just being my normal, everyday awkward.
And the strange thing about this whole thing is most of the time it is a non-issue. In speech class, when I knew I had to do it, it was not a big deal at all to speak. When I play bass in the worship team or do anything at church I'm not worried. When the door "dings" or the phone rings at work I have no problem answering cheerfully and being somewhat personable. For some reason, while grocery shopping I'm particularly confident (If anything confuses me, it's this). When I give lessons I am loud and crazy and not at all concerned. When I write on this blog I give way too much information to be concerned about what people might think of me.
My goal as a Christian woman is to not be self-confident and not be self-conscious, but put my self aside so I can focus on glorifying God. To serve other people and let His light shine through me. I guess I'm still working on that. As I get older, these times of being self-conscious are fewer and farther between. It could be because I'm slowing learning or it could be that I'm getting good at putting myself in comfortable situations.
And as is my style, here is an only slightly related picture. One person I've never felt awkward around is my dear husband. Listening to some 90's pop on my Pandora station over Jim's system this evening, I heard one of the N*Sync songs of my middle school years. I ran to the garage where he is was working and brought him inside where we danced in the living room "middle school style". Rory thought it looked like so much fun she wanted to join, so we let her balance herself between us. CUTE!
And by the way, two of the greatest people on earth are getting married on Saturday! Jim's friend Drew has always been my "favorite" Jim friend, if that makes any sense. I don't feel awkward around him at all because he does such a great job of caring for everyone around him. And his bride to be, though I've only met her once, is a beautiful and sweet woman. I am so excited for them to start their lives together and celebrate their union.
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